Slowly.... slowly.... our lesson time changed. Actual time studying became shorter, and personal time together longer. He counseled me on my problems. He listened.... encouraged.... and shared some of his problems and concerns with me. He became more affectionate... but it all happened slowly... I hardly realized how much our lesson time was changing into something much different.
His inappropriate advances and actions were not an accident, not spur-of-the-moment adventures, not mere whims… they were planned... all in an effort to get me [his victim] ready.
I know now that these are referred to as grooming behaviors, and led up to the actual offenses. Tricks, power, status, threats, bribes, encouragement, praise, jokes and laughter, counseling, private Bible study, outings together, patting and hugging, and more were used to manipulate me into doing things that were against my natural inclinations.
Any survivor of abuse, has been a victim of grooming whether she believes it or not. It’s part of why she thinks it’s her fault (which it’s not). It’s part of why she feels guilty (which she’s not). It’s part of why she feels shame (which she shouldn’t because it’s not hers). And it’s part of why she finds it so hard to talk about
He was a clever man. He had one aim... to get away with his abuse… so he convinced his victim she had a part in it. And the victim [me] believed him and did not tell. Grooming helped this happen.
2 comments:
Wow. I am thrilled to find this blog! I, too, am an adult victim-now-survivor of CSA. It has taken me nearly 3 years to stop hyperventilating when I think of my abuser. Changed churches AND denominations, and within 6 months the SP at the new church resigned due to CSA. His victim and I have been supporting one another. I am grateful that word is getting about about CSA and the horrific damage it does. I've kept a pretty low profile - not many folks know but just close friends. This piece you have on grooming really hits the bulleye - I could've written it. In fact, the more accounts I read on CSA grooming, the more convinced I become that the perpetrators have a playbook. Please feel free to visit my blog: "A Difficult Simplicity." I've only just started posting a little at a time. God bless you - I will continue to visit.
SurvivorGirl
What a nice surprise to find your comment waiting for me today. I get so little indication that anyone is reading my blog. I was in hopes that it could be a survivors' meeting place for discussion and support. But... even if it isn't widely read, this blog has been journaling therapy for me... a way to tell what happened and not just bottle it up inside. I will most certainly look at your blog. Thank you!
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