Step By Step

In my reading, I came across a website maintained by the Mennonites, titled Abuse, Response and Prevention. Within the Sexual Abuse section of the site was a page devoted to The Stages of the Healing Process. Because what I read made such good sense to me, I have included parts of that page below, adapting the stages of healing to my own experiences of clergy abuse.

1. The Decision To Heal - Once I recognize the effects of abuse in my life, I need to make an active commitment to heal. Healing happens only when I choose it and am willing to change myself.

2. The Emergency Stage - Beginning to deal with memories and suppressed feelings can throw my life into turmoil. I need to remember, it's only a stage and won't last forever.

3. Remembering - Many survivors suppress all memories of what happened to them. Those who do not forget the actual incidents often forget how it felt at the time. Remembering is the process of getting back both memory and feeling. [I think that's what I'm doing now... and writing this blog is helping that process.]

4. Believing It Happened - Survivors often doubt their own perceptions. Coming to believe that the abuse really happened, and that it really hurt me, is a vital part of the healing process. [For me, I still am amazed at what happened. It's so hard to believe that I was involved in all that went on.]

5. Breaking Silence - Most adult survivors keep the abuse a secret for a long time. Telling another person about what happened to me is a powerful healing force that can dispel the shame of being a victim. [But in my experience, telling someone did not bring the relief and healing I was hoping for. I continued to carry the shame and guilt and blame for what I did.]

6. Making Contact With the Child Within - Many survivors have lost touch with their own vulnerability. Getting in touch with the child within can help you feel compassion for yourself, more anger at your abuse, and greater intimacy with others. [Yes, it would be good to not feel so isolated.]

7. Trusting Myself - The best guide for healing is my own inner voice. Learning to trust my own perceptions, feelings, and intuitions will form a new basis for action in the world. [I still have trouble trusting my own judgments and decisions.]

8. Grieving and Mourning - As an abused adult trying to survive, I may not have really felt my losses yet. Grieving is a way to honor my pain.

9. Anger - The Backbone of Healing - Anger is a powerful and liberating force. Directing my rage squarely at my abuser, and those who didn't protect me, is pivotal to healing. [But if the abuser is dead??? I guess I can get angry at the memory of him...]

10. Disclosures and Confrontations - Directly confronting my abuser and/or my family, and my congregation can be a dramatic cleansing tool. [Well, he's dead. I have not had the courage to tell my family about it yet. And I'm not sure telling the whole congregation is the best route to take. Many of the people would not even know him. He's been gone too long. And aside from a framed picture in the church office, and the Chapel named in his honor, there's not a lot left of him...  except in my head. ]

11. Forgiveness - Forgiveness of the abuse is not an essential part of the healing process. The only essential forgiveness is for myself. And it is an honest release within my heart. But being a true forgiver does not require I pretend I did not suffer, or that the wrong does not matter much. Forgiving eyes are open eyes. [But I know I have not forgiven myself.]

12. Spirituality - Having a sense of a power greater than myself can be a real asset in the healing process. It is a uniquely personal experience. It might be found through traditional religion, meditation, nature, or a support group.

13. Resolution and Moving On - As I am moving through these stages again and again, I will reach a point of integration. My feelings and perspectives will stabilize. I will come to terms with my abuser and others who were directly involved. While I won't erase my history, I will make deep and lasting changes in my life. Having gained awareness, compassion, and power through healing I will have the opportunity to work toward a better life... a better world. [But I'm not there yet.]