Hmmm... where was my husband during this time? I have so few recollections of the part he did or did not play in this tangled mess. I know he was healthy and active when it all started, but later he was dealing with some serious health issues. My memories of him kind of fade away as this 'relationship' with my 'mentor' developed.
What was happening to me was so far outside my character... my comfort zone... my personality... my good judgement... that it demanded all my attention. Other parts of my life took a back seat, and the terrible things I was doing with a retired minister overshadowed everything.
Did my husband see what was happening? Did he wonder about "private Bible study sessions?" Did he question, in any way, all the time I spent with another man?
I wish he had. I wish there had been someone to hold me accountable for my actions. But no one asked. It seemed like no one even noticed. It's hard to believe that something like this could be going on right in front of others. I am so ashamed.
As I travel the road from victim to survivor, this blog records the struggles I face dealing with memories of clergy abuse, and trying to move on... It has taken many years to get to this point, but I know there is still good life to live... And I hope in telling this story, we can be guided to a place of understanding... healing... and perhaps, even forgiveness.
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BIBLE VERSES TO HELP ME___________________________________
Psalms 37:40—"And the LORD shall help them, and deliver them: he shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in him."
Jeremiah 23:1-4—"Woe to the shepherds who destroy and scatter the sheep of my pasture" declares the Lord. Therefore thus says the Lord, the God of Israel, concerning the shepherds who care for my people: "You have scattered my flock and have driven them away, , and you have not attended to them. Behold, I will attend to you for your evil deeds," declares the Lord. "Then I will gather the remnant of my flock out of all the countries where I have driven them, and I will bring them back to their fold, and they shall be fruitful and multiply. I will set shepherds over them who will care for them, and they shall fear no more, nor be dismayed, neither shall any be missing," declares the Lord.
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FURTHER READING ON THE WEB [click here]_______________
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DEVOTIONS AND MEDITATIONS [click here]_________________
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UNFINISHED MELODY
Someday, Lord I pray,
there will be a place for me,
where ears take time to listen,
where eyes take time to see.
A place where I can laugh and cry
and know that I belong.
Someday, that's where
I will sing my song.
And someday, Lord I pray, in a place......
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SERMONS
The Power of Pentecost
This sermon helped me so much... and gave me the push I needed to begin the healing process in earnest. Thank you to the minister who wasn't afraid to preach it!
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Looking Forward In Faith
[part 1]
[part 2]
During a recent Sunday morning worship service I was blessed to hear a sermon that spoke to my heart, and reminded me that I am forgiven. I will cling to these words as I continue to move from victim to survivor to thriver.
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Oh, For the Wings of a Dove
[Mendelssohn]
Oh, for the wings,
for the wings of a dove,
Far away,
Far away,
far away would I rove!
Oh, for the wings,
Oh, for the wings,
for the wings of a dove,
Far away,
Far away,
far away, far away,
far away would I rove!
In the wilderness
In the wilderness
build me a nest,
And remain there
And remain there
forever at rest
In the wilderness
In the wilderness
build me, build me a nest,
And remain
And remain
there forever at rest