tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38020143345361985102024-03-13T06:37:40.140-07:00______My Bird's-Eye View______As I travel the road from victim to survivor, this blog records the struggles I face dealing with memories of clergy abuse, and trying to move on... It has taken many years to get to this point, but I know there is still good life to live... And I hope in telling this story, we can be guided to a place of understanding... healing... and perhaps, even forgiveness.
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger135125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-74243557952073355672014-09-22T11:19:00.000-07:002014-09-22T11:19:38.433-07:00What Does It Mean??<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><b> The bird's eye view</b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">... this expression sums up the way I see things... it's my personal take... my analysis of the circumstances. That's what this blog is all about... a personal view of a period in my life that still holds power over me, even more than thirty years after the fact...</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"> I like the term - </span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">PERSPECTIVE</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">, and the thought of this little bird's perspective is especially appealing. In my mind I visualize that bird flying higher and higher, looking at the landscape from different angles and elevations. Her interpretation of what she sees changes, maybe improves, maybe becomes more focused, as she continues to circle and examine. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"> That's what is happening in my head and heart as time goes by and I move further away from all that happened to me. Further away doesn't mean 'fading away.' It's all about the passing of time. Getting further away from </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><u>it</u></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"> has given me a clearer view. I have had time to think... study... grieve... pray... and hate. Yes... even <u>hate<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">.</span></u></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S4bbMxMvVrQ/UB_rjLO0qWI/AAAAAAAADus/LK5r4MgBlI0/s1600/bird2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S4bbMxMvVrQ/UB_rjLO0qWI/AAAAAAAADus/LK5r4MgBlI0/s320/bird2.jpg" height="171" width="320" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> Now I need to write it down. It will be difficult to put this history of events into any kind of logical order. Maybe I'll just write down the scattered parts of the story as they are recalled, and try to sort them all out later.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> It is most important, for me, that I write it all down. I think I am finally ready to do that. I invite you to read along...</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-19749960793699068572014-09-22T11:18:00.004-07:002014-09-22T11:18:49.663-07:00Good News<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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Yes... good news... regarding our church's 50th anniversary. It turns out that this is the anniversary of our church <u>sanctuary</u>... <u>not</u> a celebration of the <u>founding of this church</u>. I asked Pastor B on Sunday. I was mistaken about what we were celebrating!<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DBdyYfjQgQM/UBw1tUb6xiI/AAAAAAAADnE/v2FwWz9Qvx0/s1600/bird2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DBdyYfjQgQM/UBw1tUb6xiI/AAAAAAAADnE/v2FwWz9Qvx0/s1600/bird2.jpg" height="108" width="200" /></a>And why is it good news? Well, since we are celebrating the establishment of only our beautiful worship building, there is much less possibility of the mention of EF. He was already gone and serving in other churches by the time our sanctuary was being built.<br />
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This lets me breath a little easier. This will help me dwell on the good stuff, instead of the bad.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-56009237717280753672014-09-16T21:16:00.003-07:002017-02-04T18:59:33.162-07:00Pictures in the Hall<div>
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Picture it... a hallway that connects the church Office with the Fellowship Hall. That hall has become a place that shows historical pictures of our church. There are pictures of the original church building, a small group of people in choir robes, and a long line of portraits of men who have been Pastors of the church, all displayed in chronological order.<br />
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His picture is there. He watches me as I walk down that hall. And whether or not I glance at that picture as I pass by, I see him in my mind. I am very aware of that picture. He is still here.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-43194858692923688922014-09-01T22:12:00.000-07:002014-09-16T20:57:22.146-07:00Church Anniversary<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lStNG0qtM64/UBvwM8oRJgI/AAAAAAAADl0/ptZfq8IQg8w/s1600/bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lStNG0qtM64/UBvwM8oRJgI/AAAAAAAADl0/ptZfq8IQg8w/s1600/bird.jpg" height="142" width="200" /></a>Big plans are in the making! The church's 50th anniversary celebration is being planned and will be happening later this year...organ music selected, choir anthems practiced, invitations printed, and sermons written, etc. I'm sure there will be special guests, and charter members in attendance. I'll bet past ministers of the church will be invited, and special dinners served! </div>
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Special ministers...ministers that used to lead this church? And if some of those ministers are dead? They will be talked about, and remembered, and praised for their many accomplishments. [Actually, most of the ministers who led our congregation are still alive.]<br />
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But not him. EF is gone. Some of our long-time members remember him though, and think he was a wonderful founding minister. Yes, there are people who remember the early years of this church. I'm sure there will be pictures on display and stories told. And although I wasn't here when this was "his" church, I was here when he came back in retirement to "his" church.<br />
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I do not really look forward to this anniversary year in my church home. I know I will be involved in some of the celebration activities, because I'm still active in the musical ministries here. But I do not look forward to hearing the old stories, seeing those historical pictures, and hearing how much everyone loved Reverend EF. I knew him in a much different way. And I hate those memories that tarnish my view of the church I love.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S4bbMxMvVrQ/UB_rjLO0qWI/AAAAAAAADus/LK5r4MgBlI0/s1600/bird2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S4bbMxMvVrQ/UB_rjLO0qWI/AAAAAAAADus/LK5r4MgBlI0/s1600/bird2.jpg" height="108" width="200" /></a>I'll be trying to focus on the good memories in the life of our church. After all... I've been here since 1968. My children grew up in this church. And two husbands died here during my time in this church. I've had many years of participating in music, and puppetry, and Christian Education.<br />
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Dear Lord, Help me to remember the good... not the bad.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-38105663025542501132013-09-26T11:24:00.002-07:002013-09-26T19:07:53.263-07:00The Places<div style="text-align: center;">
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Here are the places you will read about in this blog...</div>
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a church...</div>
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a trailer park</div>
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and a small California town...</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-21158641091107778092013-06-10T11:14:00.000-07:002013-06-10T16:13:21.950-07:00Vulnerability<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Today I am lonely. I've been feeling this build-up of emotion for some time now. But today, especially, I am aware of my "singleness". It's my birthday... another year gone by. And even surrounded by friends and family, there is a lonely feel in the day.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> It's funny, but at my weakest moments, I am most likely to be transported back to the scenes of former abuse. At times when I am most lonely and vulnerable, those memories come to haunt me. I do not long for that terrible companionship again... good grief no!... but cannot fend off the reruns, the flashbacks, the darkness of those times. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Dear Lord, let my count my blessings... let me focus on the good things.... and let me look outside of myself. Let me see you and hear you always. Amen</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-81819993570519881182013-05-16T10:27:00.000-07:002013-05-16T10:41:35.507-07:00Mixing The Good With The Bad<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px; font-family: Arial;"> The abuse I experienced was hidden, private, unnoticed by others even when out in plain sight. He played tricks on me… making me think I had a part in it…. I had caused it…. I was on his side…. I was guilty too. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"> And he played with the boundaries between acceptable and unacceptable so deftly, that I could not be sure what he was doing was wrong. I could not be sure that I had not in some way tempted him. And as I look back, I scold myself for spending so much time in his presence.</span><br />
I think back on all that has happened, and tell myself the abuse could not have been as bad as I remembered. I begin mixing good memories with the bad, and eventually the good ones take over. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px; font-family: Arial;"></span><br />
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"Don't do that!" I tell myself. "Be forgiven…. forgive yourself…. but don't minimize what he did!" </div>
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Dear Lord,</div>
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Let me remember it, and learn from it, and move on all the wiser for what happened. Let me use it in some way to help others. Thank you for your forgiveness and guidance and love. Thank you that I am one of your children, always and forever. Amen</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-33275274257828561972012-12-26T23:13:00.001-07:002012-12-26T23:13:19.579-07:00Face-To-Face With Christmas<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px; font-family: Arial;"> Here it is, signaling the end of another year. And I've tried to fill my days with good things… I've tried to look outside of myself rather than in. But it hasn't worked out too well, for this time when we tell the wonderful story of God's Love coming down to earth has become a season of sadness for me. Depressing thoughts have shadowed this holiday.</span><br />
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It's been eleven Christmases since my husband passed. It's been four Christmases since the death of my second husband. My Mom is gone now… the first Christmas without her. And it's been a year of vulnerability for me as I've faced issues of abuse that I kept hidden for so long. </div>
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There are two grandsons all grown up who I don't know, all because of terrible family relationship troubles a long time ago. I'm getting old, and I don't know if we'll ever get to know one another. </div>
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I just feel so sad. And sometimes I think about my death. Facing Christmas this year was not so good.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-13564251730723873202012-12-13T09:05:00.002-07:002012-12-14T21:57:16.380-07:00In And Out<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Christmas comes closer, and the hustle of extra commitments, special music to learn, food to prepare, holiday programs, time with friends and family, last minute rehearsals.... all these things are so welcome in my life... and the <i>ghosts and shadows</i> of "days gone by" slip away for a while. After all, my brain can only hold onto so much. But the fact that <i>ghosts and shadows</i> CAN slip away for a while reinforces what I am learning about myself. "And what is that?" you ask.<br />
Just this... Even though I enjoy doing things by myself, it doesn't pay for me to be a loner <u>too</u> much of the time. Being a loner seems to encourage me to look within, and dwell on the inside of me. It's an extremely narrow view... one that asks <i>'how am I feeling today? What's bothering me today?'</i> It's a view that seems to conjure up bad memories that might not bother me if I were more actively looking elsewhere. Better to look out, and see what's waiting there... maybe see someone else's need... maybe recognize a way to serve.<br />
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And the "giving" doesn't mean I'm not "getting." Cuz it's in the "giving" that I "get." It is my prayer that God will help me learn to look "out" more and "in" less.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-67441324060399213942012-12-10T09:04:00.000-07:002012-12-10T09:06:32.383-07:00Too Many...Too Much [continued]<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: #d0e0e3;">And my Pastor wrote:</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #d0e0e3; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">I’m sorry to hear about these things, but perhaps not surprised. Well-intentioned people can be overwhelming in their offers to help, and of course don’t realize they are part of a stream (river?) that includes many others as well. Bottom line is that you are of course under no obligation to accept or even respond to any of these except to say “thank you for your offer…”<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-40892413528364218992012-12-09T20:11:00.002-07:002012-12-10T09:13:16.124-07:00Too Many... Too Much...<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><br />
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<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Dear Pastor,</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"> I am feeling quite overwhelmed. It's my own fault... because since the Wholeness Service I have had occasion to speak with several who are offering to talk with me, or 'help' me, or counsel me. I feel myself backing away. It's too many people coming at me. I say it's my own fault because I was more willing to talk about my experiences of abuse. </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"> There is a lady in choir who used to be a nurse. She says she has special training in helping sexual abuse victims. There is a woman who is a survivor of sexual abuse who offers a listening ear. There are those who say they are praying for me. </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"> And then there was today, after church. This lady gave me a business card that says she is a crisis chaplain. In conversation with her, as she told me all the kinds of counseling in which she is experienced, I casually asked if that included sexual abuse counseling. It was just part of the conversation... I was not shopping for a counselor. Of course she was interested in knowing why I asked. I mentioned the clergy abuse and she got very excited. She said she had goose-bumps.... because that was her area of expertise. </span></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"> I told her you had helped me a lot, and our Parish Visitor too. I spoke of the Wholeness Service... how good it had been for me.... and she let me know she did not think that kind of service was a good idea. That surprised me. I told her how you and I had developed it together, and I felt it was so personal, and so met my needs. She said other disapproving things.</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"> I told her about my blog... but she said she wanted to talk with me before reading any blog. I am not having a good feeling about this person. I told her that saying negative things about a service that helped me, and the counseling I was receiving was not a very good way to encourage me, or get to know me.</span></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vmrdDPDiV5k/UMVTL1Shq1I/AAAAAAAAE8I/gHxJ-e1nsls/s1600/bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vmrdDPDiV5k/UMVTL1Shq1I/AAAAAAAAE8I/gHxJ-e1nsls/s1600/bird.jpg" /></span></a><span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"> So she gave me her card, and indicated she has more to say to me, and hopes I will be in touch. I'm backing away. She bowled me over. It's too many people.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: #cfe2f3;">From E_____</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #d0e0e3;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #d0e0e3;"><a href="http://my-birds-eyeview.blogspot.com/2012/12/too-manytoo-much-continued.html">[See next post for Pastor's reply]</a></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-38459658444284285572012-12-07T19:39:00.000-07:002012-12-11T22:21:13.651-07:00Good From Bad<br />
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Perhaps there will be a new aspect in my journey to heal. Could it be that God can use what I've gone through to help another? Part of my prayer has been that somehow, someway, something good could come from all the bad.<br />
<br />
In an email, my Pastor wrote:<br />
<i>You know that I am more than willing to continue this journey with you as needed from time to time. In the meantime I can’t help but wonder if God has plans for you to be part of the healing process of others, even as you continue your own process. In this regard, would you be willing to talk to other women who from time to time might come to my attention as needing the listening ear of a sister who has walked their same road? No pressure…just something for you to ponder.</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DjVBdJ8QUJA/UBwxbNhgemI/AAAAAAAADms/1ynS_xG-b0Y/s1600/bird.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DjVBdJ8QUJA/UBwxbNhgemI/AAAAAAAADms/1ynS_xG-b0Y/s320/bird.jpg" /></a>And my response:<br />
<i>I don't have to ponder. I know this is a way that good can come from something that was bad. If my experience can help another, either through blogging or being there, face to face, yes I would be that listening ear. </i><br />
<br />
So my journey continues, and of course.... I'll take a song to keep me company...<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
The Journey</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/zqVwhrWBzEM?rel=0" width="480"></iframe>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-70163950021524701012012-12-07T17:47:00.001-07:002012-12-07T17:48:29.292-07:00Going Home<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DjVBdJ8QUJA/UBwxbNhgemI/AAAAAAAADms/1ynS_xG-b0Y/s1600/bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DjVBdJ8QUJA/UBwxbNhgemI/AAAAAAAADms/1ynS_xG-b0Y/s320/bird.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
There was a time, during the summer, when my husband and I made the trip back to Michigan to visit my Mom, my sister, and her husband. Summer was best, because we weren't teaching, and our kids were on summer break. Those visits were always so great, catching up on the news, and just spending time together with family we didn't see very often. There was always some special time for my Mom and I to talk privately. <br />
On one of our visits, I told Mom about the retired minister and his wife that J___ and I were helping. And I spoke enthusiastically about the private Bible study that E___ was leading for me... just me. I told her it was held in his home, which was the best place since he couldn't get around so well any more.<br />
Mom looked up, concern on her face, and asked, "Just you?"<br />
"Yes," I told her, "and it's so interesting." But I felt a bit uncomfortable as she looked at me.<br />
"You're the only one there?" she questioned, little frown lines appearing on her brow.<br />
"Yes, and it works out just fine. G___ usually runs some errands while we study. It's such a small house... she doesn't want to disturb us, or get it the way."<br />
Now my Mom always had a strong sense of what was proper and what wasn't. And she was definitely uneasy about the place where the lessons were being taught. But she wasn't talking to a child anymore... I was all grown up. She didn't say more, but I saw the disapproval in her posture, and her face. She did not think this was the best place for Bible study.<br />
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S4bbMxMvVrQ/UB_rjLO0qWI/AAAAAAAADus/LK5r4MgBlI0/s1600/bird2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S4bbMxMvVrQ/UB_rjLO0qWI/AAAAAAAADus/LK5r4MgBlI0/s320/bird2.jpg" width="320" /></a> "It's OK Mom. And he makes the lessons so interesting. I'm learning a lot." And I felt like I wasn't telling her the whole story.<br />
The totally positive account I gave her was the start of a whole bunch of lies that kept her in the dark. And after that, every time we talked about the Bible study, the guilt and shame of what was happening in that little house would wash over me.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-76799572835033640122012-12-06T21:15:00.005-07:002012-12-06T21:22:00.357-07:00It's A Puzzle To Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DjVBdJ8QUJA/UBwxbNhgemI/AAAAAAAADms/1ynS_xG-b0Y/s1600/bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="173" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DjVBdJ8QUJA/UBwxbNhgemI/AAAAAAAADms/1ynS_xG-b0Y/s320/bird.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Well, Sunday night's Service of Wholeness has come and gone. It was a wonderful experience… and has moved my healing process forward. I am so grateful for all who had a part in creating that service. But I guess I thought I would recognize differences in my life after Sunday. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Symbolically, I did leave burdens of abuse at the cross, and that is a big relief to me. Yet now, more than stepping out in faith, I feel myself withdrawing. It's almost like I am moving away from others before they can turn away from me. I was nervous about others knowing what happened to me, but no one has reacted in a negative way. Those who were at the service were very supportive. Of course there are still many who don't know. And it is not my intent to loudly proclaim the story to the world.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S4bbMxMvVrQ/UB_rjLO0qWI/AAAAAAAADus/LK5r4MgBlI0/s1600/bird2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S4bbMxMvVrQ/UB_rjLO0qWI/AAAAAAAADus/LK5r4MgBlI0/s320/bird2.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> I really don't understand why I just feel quiet, and want to be alone. Normally, I try to seek out others for company… but I just feel quiet. I think now that I am not holding onto secrets, I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe it will take a little while to adjust and move on. Maybe my head and heart need time to catch up with each other. And maybe I need to talk to someone about this sad quiet feeling I am experiencing. Why can't this be a simple transition?? It's a puzzle to me.</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-35401434208101251032012-12-03T17:58:00.001-07:002012-12-04T14:39:24.412-07:00Service of Wholeness Bulletin<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SFrSVjdyHsg/UL1JcG1c-WI/AAAAAAAAE5Y/8_CCKIhakQQ/s1600/img059.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SFrSVjdyHsg/UL1JcG1c-WI/AAAAAAAAE5Y/8_CCKIhakQQ/s640/img059.jpg" width="521" /></a></div>
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Note: On the page that follows, after the Prelude, the Welcome and Opening Prayer is spoken by our two Pastors:<br />
<br />
<!--StartFragment-->
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Welcome
and Opening Prayer <span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="color: red;">(Brant)</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We
come this evening to address an excruciatingly difficult subject.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sexual wounding, in most cases, is
devastating for its victims, and for all who love those victims.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This kind of violation strikes at the
very core of who a person is, and so recovery is not so much an event as it is
a process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Healing is possible,
but it usually takes a very long time, together with a lot of support and
understanding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It
also takes God, because sexual wounds are deep wounds of the human spirit that
require the deep and sensitive work of God’s Holy Spirit to heal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tonight we claim no human power, no ability
in ourselves to heal, but instead we claim the promise of God, that where two
or three are gathered, God is there, and that when we hold one another up in
prayer, when we call upon the elders of the church, when we anoint with oil,
that in all of that the healing power of God can begin to flow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Let
us pray…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Brant:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>God
of Life,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Lois:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>you
are as near to us as our breath.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Brant:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Touch
our eyes<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Lois:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>that
we may see you;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Brant:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Open
our ears<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Lois:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>that
we may hear your voice;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Brant:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Enter
our hearts<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Lois:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>that
we may know your love.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Brant:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Grace
our souls and bodies with your presence,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Lois:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>that
we might feel your strength and your healing touch. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><b>BOTH:</b></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Come,
God of breath and wholeness, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen</span><!--EndFragment-->
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On the page that follows, before the readings, the Pastor and the Victim speak:<br />
<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">BRANT:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Most people, when subject to great pain, whether
physical or emotional, look for ways to check out. We begin to sink, we run out
of energy, and we often look for escape, and that escape can take many forms:
emotional withdrawal, self-destructive behaviors, dangerous addictions… And in
seeking ways to numb our pain we often die a slow death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It doesn’t have to be this way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There can be healing from abuse, and while
that process is different for every survivor there is at least one constant:
that God is the amazing source of life and love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The brief readings that follow are taken from a
devotional book specially written for survivors of sexual abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will share these readings with my
friend Ellen, and each new reading will be denoted with the sound of a
bell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each reading includes a
verse from scripture, a reflection, and a brief prayer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">ELLEN:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I speak for the abused, for I am one of you…
hoping I can at long last lay down the burdens of abuse that I carry with me
every day. Yes…I am a victim. I will speak out for the abused.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-52530491545423004022012-11-27T13:38:00.000-07:002012-12-04T18:29:37.203-07:00The Service of Wholeness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ib79KsD26u8/UL5f61tr-hI/AAAAAAAAE6k/q05wiMnGvsE/s1600/bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="174" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ib79KsD26u8/UL5f61tr-hI/AAAAAAAAE6k/q05wiMnGvsE/s320/bird.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
On December 2, 2012, we had the Service of Wholeness we have been planning for several months. It was in the evening, and open to any who felt the need. Because it was on Sunday night, it was also available to the I-HELP Ladies, who use our church as a sleeping/showering place. This is a ministry of our church for the homeless.<br />
<br />
I brought recorded music to play softly at the beginning and end of the service, as a Prelude and Postlude. The songs I picked were songs that spoke to me in this setting and circumstance. I will include them later in this post. My Pastor and I planned the service... musically, symbolically, ... using resources I had discovered in my search, from books and the Internet, and even using rocks.<br />
<br />
Yes, rocks. Because in counseling, I had referred to the burdens of abuse and secrets as being like rocks that I carried around with me. I had said that someday, maybe I could just lug those rocks down the center aisle of our church and leave them up front on the altar, or the steps. Maybe I could just leave them there and walk away. So my Pastor brought rocks to church for the service. They were strewn randomly all along the aisle. There was a cross set up at the front of the church with a few rocks already around its base.<br />
<br />
When I got to church, the scene was so beautiful to me.... that quiet church, the cross at the front, the rocks, the music... everything ready and waiting to welcome those who needed this time for meditation, prayer, anointing, healing, and a laying down of burdens.<br />
<br />
A very small number of people came... but then the focus of the service was very specific... being a service for those who were sexually abused and their families, as well as those who knew someone, like a friend for instance, who had been abused. Some came to pray and support others. And a small number came as victims.<br />
<br />
I have included the service bulletin on another page. <a href="http://my-birds-eyeview.blogspot.com/2012/12/service-of-wholeness-bulletin.html"> Click here</a> to see it.<br />
<br />
The Prelude and Postlude follow:<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Prelude</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<embed autostart="false" height="50" loop="false" src="https://sites.google.com/site/abusebyclergy/serviceofwholeness/Prelude.mp3?attredirects=0&d=1" width="250"></embed>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Postlude</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<embed autostart="false" height="50" loop="false" src="https://sites.google.com/site/abusebyclergy/serviceofwholeness/Postlude.mp3?attredirects=0&d=1" width="250"></embed>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
I don't think I can find the words to adequately express what this service meant to me. There were friends who gathered around me, loving on me, reassuring me of their acceptance and encouragement. Letting go of all the secrets was an uplifting experience. Picking out the rock to bring to the cross turned out to be more difficult... and I ended up picking out two big rocks and carrying them to the pile that was already there. I really felt I needed more than one rock to do the job.... but two was all I could manage. Then the time of prayer with a pastor and elder, the anointing with oil... singing favorite hymns... all of it was so good. And after the service, my friends gathered around again, and lingered to speak personally with me. Nobody was in a big rush to leave.<br />
<br />
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<u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The Songs We Sang</span></u></div>
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Just As I Am</div>
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<embed autostart="false" height="50" loop="false" src="https://sites.google.com/site/abusebyclergy/serviceofwholeness/Just%20As%20I%20Am%20-%20with%20lyrics.mp3?attredirects=0&d=1" width="250"></embed>
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A Broken Spirit</div>
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<embed autostart="false" height="50" loop="false" src="https://sites.google.com/site/abusebyclergy/serviceofwholeness/A%20Broken%20Spirit.mp3?attredirects=0&d=1" width="250"></embed>
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Amazing Grace [My Chains Are Gone]</div>
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<embed autostart="false" height="50" loop="false" src="https://sites.google.com/site/abusebyclergy/serviceofwholeness/11%20Amazing%20Grace%20%28My%20Chains%20Are%20Gone%29.m4a?attredirects=0&d=1" width="250"></embed>
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When I went home, it was very hard to relax and settle down for bed. The music and and words, the images of the evening kept playing through my head. Even later, when I was in bed, it was like I had had too much caffeine... And I just kept saying Thank you God... over and over.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3499cRZfXLI/UL5f7g0_w4I/AAAAAAAAE6s/AmoQbMOFq4Q/s1600/bird2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="174" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3499cRZfXLI/UL5f7g0_w4I/AAAAAAAAE6s/AmoQbMOFq4Q/s320/bird2.jpg" width="320" /></a>I have "come out" so to speak. Now there are people who know what happened to me, and still love me. I don't feel alone anymore. I know I'm not all better yet... but I will be. Healing takes a long time, and probably some help from others. But I truly believe I left so many burdens in a pile of rocks Sunday night. Praise the Lord.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-75549957597917965682012-11-19T21:28:00.000-07:002012-11-20T07:16:28.093-07:00Coward<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"> My feelings are taking a nose-dive again. For a while, I was so "up" and encouraged. Plans were underway for a Wholeness Service. And now there was someone I could talk with about my bad memories. Everything seemed good... moving in the right direction. But the special Service is getting closer, and I'm feeling "down"... doing a lot of thinking about the past. I am so ashamed of what I let happen long ago. </span><br />
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And now, someone at church has expressed displeasure at the time and place of this service. She feels it should be at a different time… not so closely scheduled to another musical event that takes place that night.</div>
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I guess I'm disappointed in myself, that I could not speak up in defense of the service. I tried to point out to this person that there was plenty of time between the two events, but she felt having the two events on the same night would make some people have to choose which one to go to. She felt that would definitely take away from the other event, which is a concert.</div>
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<div>
I <i>could</i> have pointed out that the Wholeness Service would be open to the I-Help Ladies specifically because it was being held on Sunday night, and that's the only night they stay at our church. But I was a coward… saying too much would make it sound like I knew a lot about the service and maybe was involved in it. Why do I care if she thinks that... or not? I was a coward…. I didn't say more.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-18226027511575364842012-11-10T16:59:00.002-07:002012-11-10T17:07:27.940-07:00It's Official<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Well, it's official. The special service has been set and an advertisement for it appears in our church bulletin this Sunday... that's tomorrow. I got a preview look at it through email and share it below:<br />
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My Pastor has been so kind and encouraging... and has let me have input into how this service will be put together. Having something to say about this service holds so much meaning for me. Every part of the whole process is becoming part of my own healing. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-39762352738108989412012-11-01T21:19:00.000-07:002012-11-02T07:20:01.000-07:00Pressure!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HbXiFHbNqwo/UJNJtUf_AKI/AAAAAAAAE3w/wm93-miidiM/s1600/bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="172" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HbXiFHbNqwo/UJNJtUf_AKI/AAAAAAAAE3w/wm93-miidiM/s320/bird.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
The pressure's building now. An actual date and title for this special service will be brought before the church session and voted upon.<br />
This makes everything seem so much more real. And the time is coming when there may be others at church who know the identity of the "sister" in question. For me, it's almost like "coming out of the closet"!<br />
The service will be held in the evening, and open to I-HELP participants as well as the whole church body. Now we'll have to wait and see who shows up. I'll be there!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-71504059542901199662012-11-01T07:29:00.001-07:002012-11-01T10:31:52.767-07:00Flashback<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uDD4OQSzrlY/UJKGI-9EmsI/AAAAAAAAE20/NDCvKJXvPgE/s1600/bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uDD4OQSzrlY/UJKGI-9EmsI/AAAAAAAAE20/NDCvKJXvPgE/s1600/bird.jpg" /></a></div>
From time to time, something happens in my day that transports me back to that time in my life... that time of abuse. It can be quite unexpected. But I have come to know that those experiences are 'flashbacks.' And in an effort to know and understand what is happening to me when I am so quickly taken back to those awful memories, I've again gone to the Internet to find out more. Also, some of the books I've been reading have done a good job of explaining things to me. So...<br />
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Flashbacks are memories of past traumas. They may take the form of pictures, sounds, smells, body sensations, feelings, or even the lack of them (numbness). </div>
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Many times there is no actual visual or auditory memory with flashbacks. A person may have a sense of panic, of being trapped, or a feeling of powerlessness with no memory stimulating it. These experiences can also happen during sleep... in dreams. <br />
During the initial time of abuse, the survivor had to insulate herself from the emotional and physical horrors of the trauma. In order to survive, that insulated part remained isolated, unable to express the feelings and thoughts of that time. It is as though the survivor put that part of herself into a time capsule, which later surfaces and comes out as a flashback, feeling just as intense in the present as it did during the crisis. </div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iYMamJY7YjA/UJKGRAHFryI/AAAAAAAAE28/GAcwlJdh5hQ/s1600/bird2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iYMamJY7YjA/UJKGRAHFryI/AAAAAAAAE28/GAcwlJdh5hQ/s1600/bird2.jpg" /></a> When that part comes out, the survivor is experiencing the past as if it were happening again today. The intense feelings and body sensations occurring are frightening because the feelings/sensations are not related to the reality of the present and many times seem to come from nowhere. <br />
The survivor may begin to think she is crazy and is afraid of telling anyone about these experiences. The survivor may feel out of control and at the mercy of her memories. </div>
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Flashbacks are unsettling and can feel overwhelming because I get so caught up in the trauma that I forget about the safety and security of where I am now. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-33830820930032490722012-10-28T15:18:00.000-07:002012-10-28T15:22:05.401-07:00Looking Forward In Faith<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-K2s2A4sUtVk/UI2usAxJbuI/AAAAAAAAE18/OV-BbvN0Xh8/s1600/bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="174" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-K2s2A4sUtVk/UI2usAxJbuI/AAAAAAAAE18/OV-BbvN0Xh8/s320/bird.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: ArialMT;"><span style="color: #161616;">This segment of a recent sermon, <u>Looking Forward In Faith</u>, preached at my church, </span><span style="color: red; font-size: xx-small;">[You can hear a recording of the sermon in its entirety by scrolling down to the SERMONS section of this page]</span><span style="color: #161616;"> so clearly tells me that God's forgiveness is here for me, and it's OK to move on. There are no good works which can make that forgiveness any better. I need not try to hold myself to a higher standard than God does. I need to move on and leave past mistakes and experiences behind me.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: ArialMT;"><span style="color: #161616;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: ArialMT;"><span style="color: #161616;"> [But oh... if it were so easy to do... I would have already done it!]</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #161616;"><span style="font-family: ArialMT;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #161616;"><span style="font-family: ArialMT;">Sermon segment:</span></span><br />
<i><span style="color: #161616;"><span style="font-family: ArialMT;">...</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The first step at moving out of the Cage
of Guilt is to embrace the reality of the human condition the Bible
describes. </span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #fc0008;"> </span><span style="color: #161616;">“Not that I have already obtained all
this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that
for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.” By the inspiration of the Holy
Spirit Paul is describing the fact that none of us have arrived. He
knows, he says, that he hasn’t taken hold of the fullness of the resurrection
and the righteousness it gains for us through faith in Christ, but he isn’t
going to get distracted and bogged down by looking back. Instead, he
says, he is going to forget what is behind and strain eagerly toward what is
ahead. <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #161616;">Friends,
the Christian life is about moving forward, regardless of the past. We
all have a lot to be forgiven for, I know I do, but wallowing in the mire of
past guilt isn’t going to get us anywhere. To be clear, moving forward
doesn’t mean acting like the past never happened. No, we can’t appreciate
the fullness of God’s grace until we appreciate the fullness of our own
sin. But it also means that we don’t set a higher standard than God,
essentially saying through our refusal to forgive ourselves, “Look God, I’m
really happy about that whole death on the cross thing, and I’m glad that’s
enough for you, but I have </span><span style="color: #161616;">really </span><span style="color: #161616;">high standards, and I just don’t think I can get past
this. I’m going to hold on to my guilt because in my eyes this sin hasn’t
yet been forgiven…” and while we never probably finish the thought by saying
what it is we think will end this thing, the truth is that it probably looks
something like a works-righteousness scheme, whereby we imagine we’ll be free
of our guilt when we find a way to make it right. There is certainly a
place for restitution, but the truth is that many, if not most of the outcomes
from our sins can’t be made right, especially by creatures of relative puny
power like us. <o:p></o:p></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #161616;">No,
the only way forward is to let Jesus Christ take care of it. </span><span style="color: #fc0008;"> </span><span style="color: #161616;">As we noted when we talked about the sexual ethics
implied by the seventh commandment, the deep psychology of grace is that in
Christ our failures need not define or defeat us. There is no sin that is
worse than any other, and where there is repentance we know that there is also
forgiveness. God’s promises are sealed by the cross, and His transforming
and healing love will overcome all our brokenness, all our damage, all of our
sin, and all of our guilt…if we will but let it. <o:p></o:p></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #161616;">
If we look at what Scripture says it seems that a mark of maturity is moving
forward with God. “I </span><span style="color: #161616;">press on </span><span style="color: #161616;">toward the goal,” says Paul, </span><span style="color: #fc0008;"> </span><span style="color: #161616;">“to
win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” In
fact, he continues, “All of us, then, who would seek to be spiritually mature
should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think
differently, that too God will make clear to you.” You gotta love Paul!<o:p></o:p></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #161616;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>
Of course in all of this there is the added grace that God often redeems our
past experiences for His glory and our good. We’ve talked about this many
times, that God doesn’t cause bad things to happen, or need us to sin to teach
us a lesson, but that part of God’s awesome power is the ability to redeem and
resurrection, to bring new life to the death we have created through our own
actions... </i></span><span style="font-family: ArialMT;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-68776401558529532362012-10-28T14:57:00.000-07:002012-10-28T14:57:26.265-07:00Sermon Trigger<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Today, at church, I was there…. but not really. I'm afraid my attention had wandered. And I was thinking about other things. Then the minister's words came crashing through whatever barriers I had built this morning, and I heard him say, "God is always with you." That little phrase triggered memories again… the memories I'd rather forget. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aRs1V8vDCKk/UI2p5HTi5wI/AAAAAAAAE1M/pFU16XoAmUQ/s1600/bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="108" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aRs1V8vDCKk/UI2p5HTi5wI/AAAAAAAAE1M/pFU16XoAmUQ/s200/bird.jpg" width="200" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i> God is always with me? </i>Really?<i> </i> I'm not so sure. Where was He when I was being so carefully groomed? Where was He when I was being abused? Was He there watching? Was He waiting to see what I would do when my abuser was carrying out his plans… luring me… leading me on… ? Did He expect me to stop what was happening? How could He be there, watching, and not make it stop? I don't understand.</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-35233968227543928862012-10-26T17:35:00.003-07:002012-10-26T17:38:15.929-07:00Progress Report<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--mRLhupkfxM/UIssTTbCnbI/AAAAAAAAE0U/g9_8_n5hIhY/s1600/bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="174" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--mRLhupkfxM/UIssTTbCnbI/AAAAAAAAE0U/g9_8_n5hIhY/s320/bird.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Now what's been happening lately? Things are definitely moving forward.<br />
<br />
1. I have met several times with my Pastor, who knows about the clergy abuse, and has been reading this blog. We decided to take the issue to the Session of the Church, and give the Session members time to consider what has happened, and what might be an appropriate response.<br />
<br />
2. The divulging of a "sister" so violated was met with compassion, sorrow, and sympathy. A lot of time was spent in the meeting discussing what could be done. They were left with the Pastor's direction to keep thinking and praying about it. The subject would again be discussed in the November meeting. I feel so relieved to know that others know what happened, even if they do not know my identity.<br />
<br />
3. I have written a letter to the Session members, suggesting some kind of Service of Wholeness that others might also take advantage of. I include the correspondence from the Pastor to the Session, into which my letter has been incorporated.<br />
<br />
4. My Pastor and I will work together on the format and resources for this service. And I am in hopes that anyone who needs to do so, will come to this service, put down their burden of pain, begin to heal, and move forward again.<br />
<br />
Click<a href="http://my-birds-eyeview.blogspot.com/2012/10/pastors-correspondence-to-session.html"><b> Here </b></a>for Pastor's correspondence to the Session members:<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-84092918839548091742012-10-26T17:33:00.001-07:002012-10-26T17:33:30.063-07:00Pastor's Correspondence to Session<br />
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><b>Subject:</b> report from our sister<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Friends,<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">As those of you know who were present Sunday, I had the sad responsibility of informing you that a sister from our congregation had come to me some months ago to tell of sexual abuse she experienced from a pastor here many many years ago. Since that man is now deceased the challenge is coming up with a suitable response. Those present Sunday had an immediate outpouring of love and concern, and of course wanted to know if the Presbytery had been notified (yes) and if this woman had access to good resources for victims of clergy sexual abuse (again, yes). An idea was also suggested to consider holding a Service of Wholeness for <u>any</u> victims of sexual abuse, and we also agreed to pray and ponder the matter further, revisiting it at our November meeting.<u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Of course I gave a report to our sister (who was eager to hear) and expressed your deep love and concern…the desire to give her a hug both literally and figuratively. She was extremely appreciative of that response, and in many ways it seems that just knowing you know is healing for her. She has also sent the message below, and suggests that a Service of Wholeness might be a good next step. <u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Dear Pastor, and Members of Session,</span><u></u><u></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> Thank you for the time you have spent listening to my story and thinking about my situation. The abuse I suffered in this church happened so long ago, yet the pain of it still lives inside of me. I am learning that healing takes lots of time, especially when it doesn't get started right away. The results of any injury can fester and burrow deep when left hidden… and unattended. </span><u></u><u></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> Speaking out about what happened to me is difficult, but it's one of the first steps in my recovery. It's like going through a grieving process, and now, I have taken that first step. Maybe there are others in our midst, people who worship with us and fellowship with us… people who are long-time members of our congregation, who have been hurt in some way and need to take steps for healing.</span><u></u><u></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> Could we help them do that? Could we offer some kind of symbolic 'service of healing' that could help them move closer to wholeness, ... whether it be physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual… a service that signifies a movement forward, a shedding of injury and burden… a time to let go of old memories and pain?</span><u></u><u></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> I have stepped forward because I want to leave old injuries behind. I want to forgive myself, to feel clean and healthy, to be a whole person, ready to follow wherever God is leading me. Can you help me do that? Can you help "all" of us do that?... because there are others, not just sexual abuse victims, but victims suffering with all kinds of pain. They are here among us. And I speak for them too.</span><u></u><u></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> Please pray about this, and be listening for the Lord's leading as you think about the pain of our brothers and sisters.</span><u></u><u></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> From your sister in Christ</span><u></u><u></u></div>
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">I have replied to her about this and together she and I are thinking tentatively about a Sunday night service that could then also involve the I-HELP women, many of whom I imagine are also victims of sexual abuse at some point in their past. <u></u><u></u></span></div>
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">In Christ,</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3802014334536198510.post-5216038437224442422012-10-20T07:47:00.000-07:002012-10-20T07:49:28.477-07:00Grieving<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DjVBdJ8QUJA/UBwxbNhgemI/AAAAAAAADms/1ynS_xG-b0Y/s1600/bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DjVBdJ8QUJA/UBwxbNhgemI/AAAAAAAADms/1ynS_xG-b0Y/s320/bird.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
There's been a lot written on the subject of grief. Experts have broken the process down into a series of stages which people pass through in their sadness, each step supposedly bringing them closer to the end.<br />
Well... I've had my share of grief... growing up, marrying, raising a family, losing two husbands... and all the rest of what happens to anyone trying to live their life. But I'll have to admit, it never occurred to me that I was again traveling the long road of grief as I began my recovery from abuse.<br />
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S4bbMxMvVrQ/UB_rjLO0qWI/AAAAAAAADus/LK5r4MgBlI0/s1600/bird2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S4bbMxMvVrQ/UB_rjLO0qWI/AAAAAAAADus/LK5r4MgBlI0/s320/bird2.jpg" width="320" /></a> Recovery seemed to me to be a daily struggle of spinning my wheels and not going anywhere... wheel-spinning that dug me deeper into the spot where I was stuck. So to think of any kind of recovery as a series of steps could be a helpful thing... because if there are steps to climb, this indicates the possibility of movement... of progress. And moving through recovery means healing... a grief that heals. I like that idea!<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0